submitted by Michelle Cunningham, Rowland Heights, CA

I have been a victim of domestic violence beginning with my father. I grew up afraid and had low self esteem. My dad was a different man when I was a child. He was full of rage from the Vietnam war. I hated it when he made me take my clothes off to spank me as the smell of marijuana filled the room. My mom chose to ignore what was happening by staying stoned all the time. I wanted to feel loved but I hated my life, my family and myself. My life took a turn for the worse when I got my first sexual experience at age 14 when sis teen age boys decided to tie me to a pool table and each one got on top of me one at a time while the others watched and cheered. I loathed myself and began to cut myself to make the pain hurt worse on the outside more than the inside. I became promiscuous and out of control until I was forced to slow down because I got pregnant before my 15th birthday. My mom was pro-life so I didn’t have a choice but to keep the baby. My mom didn’t even let me know that I could have placed the baby up for adoption. I wasn’t allowed to come home after my baby was born because my mom was in jail and my dad didn’t want a crying baby do deal with.

Long story short, I ended up marrying my first husband at 17 to an abusive man and an abusive family. I was only able to marry him because I was pregnant with my 2nd baby and the family had religious beliefs. I couldn’t handle the abuse any more and left when I was 20 but they kept my two sons and played hurtful tricks on the kids and I to keep them away. I was only allowed to see my sons if I had sex with him. I ended up attempting suicide and had to be placed in a mental hospital for three months. I was on suicide watch when I met my 2nd husband. He let me live with him after I got out but he was was also an abuser and addicted to drugs. I had my 3rd son with my 2nd husband and when he was 1yrs old and I was 24, I got out and moved in with my new boss whom became husband #3. He was 15 yrs older than me and was kind in the beginning until he and I moved out of state and I was alienated from everyone. He controlled me and hit me now and then. It was the control and intimidation that was my jail for 12 years. I had my fourth son with him and divorced my 3rd husband seven years ago.

Today, I have broken the pattern of being a victim of abuse. I am actually married to a nice man who I almost turned away because my self esteem was so low that I thought he was too good for me. I have been married to him for five years now and three years ago, I got my GED and began college to get a bachelors degree in computer animation. My life long dream since I was a little girl was to become a professional artist. I never thought in this life time that I would ever get the chance. No one ever gave me a chance and they stopped me from becoming better in my life. I am so incredible happy for the first time. It took a long time to not be afraid.

I made this in photo shop and the bodies were hand drawn and painted in Photo shop. I used a Hubble image which reminded me of the Virgin Mary looking down. The people are spiritual images of two people. The man is controlling and abusive pulling her down with him while she is trying to be free of him forever. She is trying to be saved and go into the merciful light. She is no longer with her family and friends. She has passed on but still the controlling forces are fighting to control her and bring her down. So many woman, there is only one way out. Sometimes they are killed by the hands of their abuser and sometimes they end their own lives which is what I almost did just to be free.

I am so blessed today that God had mercy on my soul.