submitted by Katherine

“Katherine?”
I nodded.
“Come on in”

I walked into the office and he turned on the white noise machine so no one could hear us then shut the door. For the first time, I was nervous about talking to him and I realized that I wouldn’t tell him what I needed to that day. I didn’t think I would ever be able to tell anyone.

Eventually, I was able to tell my psychologist about it. I told him about how the man I had been in love with, the one I lost my virginity to, raped me three years ago and how I had suppressed my feelings about it for years. I was seventeen when it happened. Occasionally we would park behind a building near my house to have sex because my mom was at home. We parked there one night and had sex for a little while before he decided he wanted to try anal sex. I told him no over and over because I wasn’t comfortable with it but he wouldn’t leave me alone so eventually gave in. We were in a little old sports car and I was on my stomach with the front seat leaned back. A few seconds into it I told him to stop. He told me to “give it a chance” and kept going. So I decided I would to try and make him happy but a few seconds later I decided that I really couldn’t take it and told him to stop again. He said “hold on” and kept going. It hurt so bad. I was crying and I tried to get away. I wiggled up the seat to get away from him. For a moment, I got him out of me but he followed me up the seat and got back in. My head was touching the ceiling of the car and I had no where to move, no way to get away. When he was finished he held me close and tried to comfort me and get me to stop crying before dropping me off at the house. He hugged me and said he was sorry again before driving off.

I cried myself to sleep that night but the next morning I just told myself that he had just made a mistake and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I started making up reasons as to why it didn’t matter and within a day or two I had “forgotten” that it had happened. For years I kept it inside and pretended like it didn’t bother me. There were days it bothered me. A special ed kid came up behind me and put me in a headlock joking around one day at school. I started yelling at him telling him to let me go but he wouldn’t. I was about to elbow him in the ribs when he finally let me go.  I had to run to the bathroom to avoid hurting him and get my heart to slow down. When I got to college, the band had a trip to Disney World. A line for one of the rides was in the dark and crowded. A guy in my group was right behind me and I started freaking out. Not visibly, but my mind was racing. I wanted to run out of the line screaming.

My sophomore year in college I ended up having sex with another man. He was (and is) an amazing person and to this day I don’t think I will ever be able to thank him enough. He was never persistent about sex. If I told him to stop, he would stop with no questions asked. I didn’t tell him about the rape until months after we first had sex and months after I jumped away from him one night out of instinct. I’ll never forget the look he gave me that night. That is what made me want to start talking about it. He looked so concerned. It was then that I realized what the rape had done to me. I felt like I had a disease, I still kind of do. Sometimes I still feel guilt for giving my rapist permission to do it in the first place, but after therapy I am able to change that thought process when I get it.  I was diagnosed with depression (from the rape and from emotional abuse from part of my family). I still have the depression but I don’t see a therapist any more. When I feel depressed I write about it or whatever is bothering me at the time and it helps a lot.  My biggest problem has been the anger and confusion I still feel. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not turning him in and wonder why I didn’t and if he’ll do it to someone else. Then I get mad at him because sometimes I think that things didn’t work out with the other guy because I do still have some problems from it. I haven’t had any problems with having sex since that first night I just still have questions about how the rape affected me and I would ask him what he thought. Not a lot, I only asked questions about it once or twice but I think that just screamed “she has problems” to him. It makes me feel like I have a disease I can’t get rid of. It makes me so angry that I have to deal with this because of someone else doing that to me.

Despite all of that, I still believe that everything happens for a reason. It made me a stronger person and made me realize that I need to follow my instincts and never let any guy push me around. I already had a passion for law enforcement before it happened but the rape just inspired me even more. Even though I can’t change the past, I hope that one day I can make the difference in someone’s life whether it be arresting a rapist or doing paper for burglaries or other crimes.